Breastfeeding Grief - Why You Feel Like You've Lost Something
“The important thing is that the baby is fed.”
They want to be helpful, but it leaves you feeling profoundly abandoned and misunderstood. Of course you’re grateful that your baby will be fed. But it ignores that this isn’t what you wanted, it isn’t what you expected, and you wish it was different.
Around 7 in 10 mothers (72%) who stopped breastfeeding by the time their baby was 4 to 6 months old said they would have liked to breastfeed for longer [1]. For some, realising that you need to stop breastfeeding might cause a short term feeling of disappointment but you ultimately conclude it was a necessary or practical decision for you and your family.
For others, finding out that you can’t breastfeed or that you have to stop breastfeeding before you were ready can leave you feeling an overwhelming sadness and disappointment that stays with you for months and even years.
This is what we call breastfeeding grief. When you experience strong and lasting feelings of loss about breastfeeding that can touch on many elements of your life in the same way any significant loss does.
Why might you experience breastfeeding grief?
Our ability to feed our children at any stage of their lives is an emotional subject that easily gets wrapped up with how we feel as parents. We worry frequently about what we feed them and how others might judge us for it. What does it say about me as a parent?
If you couple an already emotional subject with the fact that breastfeeding is literally producing food for your baby from your own body, you can see how it might start to feel like a personal failure (it isn’t for what it’s worth, but it’s a place where a lot of women start from). You might have had a vivid image of how you would be a mother and it included breastfeeding your baby. If that’s not a possibility it can disrupt your identity as a mother.
It is also a subject that you cannot escape in the first year of your baby’s life. Every time you make up a bottle it is a reminder that you wanted to do something differently. Every time you see another mother breastfeeding at a playgroup it is a reminder that they’re doing something you can’t do. No wonder you might feel that loss deeply and constantly.
People love to have an opinion on breastfeeding too. Many women find it intensely difficult to believe they aren’t being judged if they feed their baby formula (or indeed breastfeed). Just look at how frequently people comment on the size of babies as some sort of proxy for your capacity to care for your baby.
“Look how big she is.”
“He’s still so little.”
You might feel a whole range of emotions when you hear those words: pride, shame, embarrassment, guilt. But if you feel like you have failed in some way, these comments are likely to reinforce those feelings.
Finally, the lack of choice plays a significant role. If you are forced to stop breastfeeding for any reason - physical pain, fear for your baby’s health, necessary medication - you are likely to feel much worse. If you don’t feel ready to stop then you might feel the ending more keenly.
What does it look like?
Professor Amy Brown’s research [2] into women’s experience of breastfeeding grief paints a vivid picture of what this grief looks like. She splits the emotional experience into seven different areas which I have summarised below.
Feeling emotionally destroyed – crushed, in despair, deeply depressed, bereft, broken. The strength of feeling is powerful and for many women all consuming.
Feeling angry and shocked – at yourself, at the health professionals, at other women who found it easy. This wasn’t the way you wanted it to be.
Feeling like a failure – you want to nourish your baby in a certain way and it hasn’t been possible. Somehow that becomes entirely your fault regardless of the truth of the matter.
Feeling guilty and ashamed – “everyone else” can do this, why can’t I? Did I not try hard enough? Again, this becomes a burden that rests solely on your shoulders and allows you no compassion or rest.
Feeling let down – this is usually by the system that promotes breastfeeding and yet fails to support women effectively. But it might also be feeling let down by family or even your own body.
Feeling envious of those who can – if you really wanted to breastfeed and expected that you would, it can be particularly upsetting to see other people doing it.
Feeling lasting regret – long after your baby has grown, you might still regret that you couldn’t breastfeed or how you were treated. Importantly, a more positive experience with another baby does not always help to change how you feel. For some it can make them feel the loss even more deeply.
Significantly, if you stop breastfeeding because you are in pain or having practical difficulties you are also more likely to develop post-natal depression [3].
Your response may also be delayed – with the arrival of a new baby you might push aside how you feel to make space for all these new experiences. It might be some time afterwards that you begin to feel the grief. It is never “too late”.
What can help?
This is a real and painful loss. You have not failed. You have not “given up”. You were likely let down.
Acknowledging that you have the right to feel this way is an important first step. A “fed is best” attitude might not make space for your sadness or disappointment.
Understanding that how you feel is a form of grief can also help to open up ways of exploring it as you would any other loss. This might be through the well-known format of the 5 Stages of Grief (Kubler-Ross) or any other model that makes sense to you such as the 6 R’s Model of Mourning (Rando). It can help you process your experience if you recognise that grief is an ongoing process and that we revisit these feelings and tasks frequently.
Speaking to somebody who will truly listen can also be incredibly valuable. This might be a friend who really understands, a doula or lactation consultant, a health visitor or other medical professional, or a counsellor. It won’t make the feelings disappear but if you feel listened to, it might open up new ways to handle them or ease their intensity.
Perhaps most significantly – you need to be kind to yourself! I know how trite it sounds – I really do. Especially when it is often the hardest thing to do when we feel at our lowest. When our feelings turn inwards to take aim at our identity and sense of worth, it can help to externalise a kind and compassionate voice. This voice might sound like somebody you know, it might come from imagining what you would say to your own child if they felt this way or it might be completely imagined. Asking them what they think about how you’ve “failed” or how it’s all “your fault” can create the space for the possibility that the feeling isn’t a fact and that feelings can change.
Being kind to yourself can also mean allowing yourself access to ways of coping. We often like to isolate ourselves when we feel depressed, anxious and upset but the support of people who love you or people who have experienced something similar can keep us from turning further and further inwards. Similarly, giving yourself permission to do things that help you feel better and provide you with comfort can help your wellbeing.
Finally I think it’s important to acknowledge how so much of this is happening whilst you are likely caring for a very young child or children. The scale of that undertaking is monumental. How it shapes your life and determines how you feel about yourself are often profound even without the added weight of breastfeeding grief. You are not a bad parent if you need help along the way.
References
[1] Office for Health Improvement and Disparities. (2026, June 4). Infant feeding survey 2024: summary of main findings. GOV.UK. https://www.gov.uk/government/statistics/infant-feeding-survey-in-england-2024/infant-feeding-survey-2024-summary-of-main-findings
[2] Brown, A (2019). ‘How Do Women Feel When They’re Unable to Meet Their Breastfeeding Goals’. Why Breastfeeding Grief and Trauma Matter. Pinter & Martin Ltd. 34-47
[3] Brown, A et al. 2016. ‘Understanding the relationship between breastfeeding and postnatal depression: the role of pain and physical difficulties’. Journal of Advanced Nursing, 72(2), 273-282
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